True Love

When God first began to speak to my heart about adopting a child with special needs, I immediately wanted to know why other families had chosen this adoption path. I learned that there were many families who had no experience or training with special needs children. They were adopting because they had a unique love for these precious little ones. One mother told me, "Leslie, I had numerous discussions with my husband about it and the only thing that I kept telling him was 'this could have been one of our children all along.' And, it could happen any day too from a car wreck or anything." That struck a chord with me.

Would I not love a child who was born to me with a disability? Would I not love one of our children who became disabled as the result of some trauma? Love is not an emotion. It's a choice.

We waited a very long time for Kristina to join our family. We loved her from a distance for over a year. We were blessed to have one summer together through Frontier Horizon's hosting program. During that summer, we were able to see her true colors several times. When she came home for good in December of 2007, we continued to work through her adjustment to life in a new culture, with boundaries and a family. There were moments when she really struggled. But what surprised me most was there were moments when I really struggled. In fact, I think I experienced a bit of Post Adoptive Depression.

This wasn't because I regretted our adoption or adopting Kristina. What I learned was that loving someone, truly loving someone, was often a painful process. It was much like the reality of marriage. After the wedding, there's an adjustment period that happens when you realize just how imperfect your spouse is. You learn of his weaknesses, his shortcomings, the things he does that annoy and disappoint you. And if you're not careful, you'll forget that love is a choice and not an emotion. At best, romance is highly overrated. At worst, it can be the faulty foundation for a relationship.

But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
-Romans 5:8

So what is true love? The fact that God chose to love me, the one with weaknesses and shortcomings who was bound to disappoint, is a beautiful thing. That His love doesn't depend on me, but on Him! Is that not the love that we are to give to our spouses, our children, and those around us? Is that not the picture of the Father's love to his adopted children? Knowing how imperfect we were, He chose us and made us His own. While the post adoption experience brings its own challenges, regardless of the challenges of the child, our response is still the same. We will choose to love a child because He first loved us.

We love because God first loved us.
-I John 4:19

Questions, Questions, Questions

First, let me say thank you to the many of you who have written to say that you're partnering with us in prayer. I am blessed to have so many friends who would approach the throne of God on behalf of a little girl and the family who loves her. So many of you have written with your questions, I will do my best to answer some of them.

How much is this adoption going to cost? We're estimating around $20,000. I'll wait for you to catch your breath before I continue. Okay, better? Moving on . . . because she is special needs we will save a few thousand dollars on facilitation fees. Kristina's adoption was around $24,000. We didn't have the money for Kristina's adoption two years ago and God provided then. We are trusting that He will make a way again if this is His will.

How much do we need to commit to her? About $700 at this point.

What is "our" girl's condition? She is diagnosed with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. I have been reading everything I can and speaking with other adoptive moms about the condition. Because FAS is a spectrum disease, we won't know how affected she is cognitively until she is little older. The information we have about her indicates that she is delayed, but we believe she could blossom with the love of a family. She also exhibits some of the physical features of FAS. The first time I saw her, I thought she was perfect. And I still do!

Will I post her picture? Soon, hopefully. I don't feel right until we have committed to her and she has been removed from the waiting list. Oh, you're going to love her too! She is precious!

What do the kids think? They're as excited as we are. Kristina insists that she must accompany us back to Ukraine and serve as our official interpreter for the little one. The girls are thrilled about evening out our numbers. The boys initially tried to convince us to adopt a boy ("girls are too much drama, Mom"), but they came around. Nathanael had a report and presentation for science class last week. He was assigned the topic "mental retardation" to research. As he was doing his research and learning about the causes, he made the connection about our girl's condition. He asked permission to talk about her when he gave his presentation to the class. Love him!

Any other questions?

Moving Forward?

Several phone calls back and forth between Robert and I yesterday consisted of, "You're sure?" followed by a text message to confirm in writing that he was indeed on board with another adoption. For those of you who have read my past posts, you'll know Robert wasn't the one who needed the push. We both want to add this little girl to our family, but the financial commitment scares me. We have less than a thousand dollars set aside for another adoption.

However, in my heart, I had already committed. Her picture is the background on my cell phone. I stepped out on Friday and shared with a close friend and co-worker our desire to adopt again (and she didn't faint!). I revamped our family blog and added a new header with all our pictures, including the little girl who would be our daughter.

Late last night I emailed the director of the organization that advocates to find families for these special needs children. I finally fell asleep after 3:30am. When I awoke this morning, I immediately reached for my cell phone to see if she had responded. And she had.

Because of the urgency of finding homes for these children before they are sent away to institutions, they require a financial commitment up front. The money goes into a fund that is returned to the adoptive family once they complete all their paperwork and submit their adoption petition to the Ukrainian government. It is reasonable and understandable. These children are living on borrowed time and need families who are in a position to move forward quickly to complete an adoption. "Our" little girl will be four next month. Four is the magic number that sends these precious children away from baby houses. Many do not survive the first year in these mental institution. If a family can commit to her, the orphanage director may be able to delay her transfer until the end of summer.

I emailed the director back and let her know we weren't in the position to make the initial financial commitment, but we would try. And with that, I came back to this blog and removed the little girl's picture from our family header. I replaced it with a heart and "+1". Then I added a PayPal donation button to the sidebar. This process will be out of our hands. We are praying and asking God to open the door to the child who would be our daughter. Please pray with us.

Commit your way to the LORD,
Trust also in Him, and He will do it.
-Psalm 37:5

Confessions of an Unfaithful Daughter

One of my blog friends emailed me about a week ago and asked me what my hesitation was with moving forward with this adoption. Even as I clicked away my reply on the keyboard, I realized how ridiculous my response was. I found myself arguing with my own reasoning. The only hesitation we have is the financial commitment that another adoption demands.

And yes, I know what some of you are thinking. We are the same people who adopted Kristina 15 months ago. The same people who God provided those adoption funds for. Finances couldn't be worse (yet we are thankful for what we have). The future couldn't be more uncertain (yet we know God directs our path). I laid awake from 2:30-4:30 last night thinking and praying. I tried to think of what I have of value that I could sell. There are no accounts to tap. Our savings are gone from our Mississippi adventure.

"What you need is a benefactor," Robert teased me as I was wrestling with the numbers in my head. My instant reaction was, "I do. He owns the cattle on a thousand hills." Yet putting that faith into action is easier said than done. This is the conversation that runs through my head. See what I'm dealing with?

We do not have the luxury of time either. The child we are praying over will age out of the orphanage she is in and, due to her disability, will be sent to an institution in a few months. It's not a place she belongs. It's not a place any child belongs. Taking decisive action is of the essence. Yet here I stand, terrified to move. If I could, I would call the facilitator and commit to this adoption tonight. If I could . . .


And Jesus said to him, " 'If You can?' All things are possible to him who believes."
Immediately the boy's father cried out and said, "I do believe; help my unbelief."
-Mark 9:23-24

A is for Adoption

My understanding of adoption, and specifically the true spirit of adoption, has been an evolving process. At the last church group we spoke to, I printed handouts that members could slip into their Bibles with a call to action, specific things they could do to minister to orphans. Robert proofread what I had typed up and quickly corrected one of my points, "Honey, you can't say God has called everyone to adoption."

"Yes, I can. He does call us all to adoption."

"But you can't SAY that God is calling each of them to ADOPT."

"And why not?"

Frustrated, he said, "Well, you just CAN'T."

I understood what he was getting at, but quite frankly, I do believe that Christians should be ministering to orphans by bringing them into their families. There is no clearer picture of God's redemptive love than this earthly action. So why is adoption often considered "plan B" for many families? If we as Christians believe that adoption falls to those who cannot conceive otherwise, then we have missed the message of adoption.

Adoption was always God's Plan A. It wasn't an afterthought in the redemptive plan for mankind. And perhaps what is just as humbling is WHO God chose to adopt. God chose the unwanted, the poor, the lame, the lowest of creation to redeem as his sons and daughters. That would be us, chosen to be heirs to the great King. There was nothing we brought to the table. Nothing that made us appealing. God chose us because of His boundless goodness.

There is a waiting list for healthy newborns. Families line up to adopt these precious children. But what about the others? In advocating for older child adoption, I found myself discouraged by families who would consider adopting an infant, but didn't feel as though they were 'equipped' for anything else. Yes, healthy newborns need families too, but we've misunderstood the true spirit of adoption if we limit our role in God's calling in this way.

I was praying to God about this and voicing my frustration months ago, when I distinctly felt Him question me about MY understanding of adoption. Would I be willing to adopt ANY orphan God placed in my path? What about another older child? What about a child of another heritage? What about a child with a disability? If I truly believed the spirit of adoption does not discriminate, then I wouldn't hesitate to say, "yes". But I examined myself and found fear. Was I 'equipped' to handle a child with a disability? Was I one of those potential adopters who put stipulations on a child that would join my family?

And then God reminded me that adoption isn't about the adopter. It's about the orphan. It's not about filling a void in a family. It's about filling a void in a fatherless child. It's about providing a family - safety, security, and acceptance in a hostile world. And God did a strange thing. He opened my frightened heart to the possibility of adopting a child with a disability.

I decided to test Robert on this issue and see what he thought, "I'm going to ask you a question and I don't want you to answer me right away. I want you to really think about what I'm asking you. Okay?"

"Okay."

"Who would you be willing to adopt? Any child?"

I barely got the word 'child' out of my mouth when he replied, "Any child."

"No! I told you to really think about it. Don't give me a gut response. Really think about what I'm asking. Would you be willing to adopt a child with special needs?"

This time he thought for about 10 seconds before he replied, "Yeah. Any child. They need families too, right?"

What does this mean for us? Can we meet the needs of a disabled child? Do we have the strength and resources? Of course. All those things come from God. We have many adoptive friends who have walked this path and adopted children rejected by their mothers, their homelands, and potential families because they weren't healthy infants. Their stories are inspiring testimonies to the goodness of God. In them we see the true spirit of adoption. We see what God intended. We see Plan A.

My brethren, do not hold your faith in our glorious Lord Jesus Christ with an attitude of personal favoritism. For if a man comes into your assembly with a gold ring and dressed in fine clothes, and there also comes in a poor man in dirty clothes, and you pay special attention to the one who is wearing the fine clothes, and say, "You sit here in a good place," and you say to the poor man, "You stand over there, or sit down by my footstool," have you not made distinctions among yourselves, and become judges with evil motives?

Listen, my beloved brethren: did not God choose the poor of this world to be rich in faith and heirs of the kingdom which He promised to those who love Him?
-James 2:1-5

Unbreakable

Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor.
For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion. But woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up.
Furthermore, if two lie down together they keep warm, but how can one be warm alone?
And if one can overpower him who is alone, two can resist him. A cord of three strands is not quickly torn apart.
-Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

Last Thursday night I was literally at the end of my proverbial rope. I was frantically trying to help Nathanael construct a mosaic for an ancient Rome project and Samuel cook Tiger Sweets for an ancient Egypt project. Somewhere in the midst of supervising wet cement pouring and cooking one of the oldest known recipes to man, I felt myself unraveling. Hannah still needed help with math, Kristina wanted to bounce ideas off of me for a project due next week, Joshua needed a special lunch packed for his field trip the next day, and a stack of ungraded essays beckoned impatiently from the other room. God has brought the above verse to mind when I've felt overwhelmed in the last few weeks. He has reminded me that I'm not alone.

Robert came in Saturday morning and I can honestly say "phew!". We are all so happy to have him here for a few days! We've easily fallen back into our comfortable routine. Robert and the boys watching old horror movies, Robert teasing Kristina like a smitten eight year old, the humor of filling up an entire row of pews at church. It's good to be together again.

Even with all there is to keep me busy, my heart has been heavy recently with adoption issues. We've been talking about adopting again for some time and so the topic isn't necessarily new. I immediately broached the subject to see where he was with all of it.

"Honey, I really feel burdened to return to Ukraine. I know the timing is terrible and finances couldn't be worse, but I really want to go."

"Okay."

"Okay? I mean, I'm not necessarily talking about returning to Odessa. I feel like there's another area I should visit with children in more dire circumstances."

"Okay."

It was the same nonchalance with which he greeted my suggestion about adopting an older child two years ago. Such a sweet man. He humors me, but I know he would buy the plane ticket tomorrow if we could and let me follow my heart. I am so grateful to have a husband who shares my desire to love these children.

And there is a child. This child may simply be another "Sophia" meant to lead our hearts in trusting God, but the child is there nonetheless. I've stared at the photo saved to my laptop repeatedly over the last month. I check my email constantly hoping for some further information or photos from other families who have recently visited the orphanage. Why now? Why am I so drawn? I hesitate to even share this, but I'm hoping you'll pray. Pray that God will make His will clear and fill us with faith for whatever He calls us to. It is not good that any child should be alone. Pray that God will provide a family for this child . . . to lift up, to keep warm, to protect . . . whoever that may be.

miles and miles to go

I just went on a 3 mile bike ride!
Last year I went on a 21 mile bike ride!
Thats not evan close to what I did last year!